Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Don't offer me a place out in cyberspace. Cos where in the hell's that at?

I've spent the day cleaning up my computer after this new worm virus that is creeping through the world. The worst of it was watching the emails whizzing out of my machine to friends, family, clients alike.

Is being "virused" the very height of internet social shame? Let's face it:

1) You were stupid enough to open the attachment

2) You obviously were too tight to pay for decent anti virus software

3) Not content with having to spend hours putting it right yourself, everyone you know (who was also daft enough to follow steps one and two) has to do the same. What's more - it's all your fault.

I'm feeling the cyberspace equivalent of being slightly soiled. I'm lucky enough never to have been burgled but, when I was a kid, next door got done over and they said the worst aspect was the thought of strangers going through their cupboards, draws and private items.

I guess that's how I feel. In the very slightest of senses, violated.

Are computer virus merchants (CVMs) the most unpopular people in the world? Of course, not one of us has ever met them, but we know what they look like. Greasy hair, acne, spots and halitosis. They create these evil worms while simultaneously cramming more crisps into their mouths washed down with fizzy drinks that aren't going to help their undoubtedly rotting teeth.

CVMs need a cause. Why can't they delete all the records at the Inland Revenue? Or hack into the mainframes at Nike causing them to pay all their Asian sweatshop staff treble time? Could they mess with the recipe at McDonalds and add a laxative to the mix?

I want someone to hit George Bush's personal computer in a way that will fire off emails to the entire voting population of the US with attachments spelling out his dodgy deals. Failing that, at least intimate details of a long time love affair with a goat.

The CVM could yet be the revolutionary of tomorrow. Rise up CVMs pick the right targets and you could be welcome outside during daylight hours and become a cyber sex symbol.

But for fucks sake please leave me alone. I haven't got time for this.

Love, light and peace,


I saw two shooting stars last night I wished on them but they were only satellites. It's wrong to wish on space hardware. I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care.