Thursday, March 25, 2004

I can't survive on what you send. Every time you need a friend

Blair extends hand of friendship to Toon

British prime minister Tony Blair last night touched down at Newcastle Airport on a historic mission aimed at building new links with former rogue city Newcastle Upon Tyne.

As the prime minister this morning awaits his meeting with the Newcastle mayor, ministerial aids have been briefing waiting pressmen about the reasons behind the trip and of Blair's hope for a more fruitful future relationship.

A spokesperson said: "Newcastle has long been a rogue city that has threatened our very way of life here in the UK. The things that we hold most dear, namely free speech and democracy ,were put at risk by their old attitudes that have caused so much distrust in the South."

As part of the bridge building exercise, local government in Newcastle have agreed to let in weapons inspectors, they have also admitted to being behind the burglary of Cilla Black's jewelry, the abduction of Shergar, and of stockpiling Alcopops and Regal Cigarettes.

These actions lead to international condemnation of Newcastle upon Tyne as a rogue city and has meant sanctions which have seen the region fall way behind the South in terms of jobs, housing, education and standard of living.

Now the signs are that Newcastle is ready to make peace with the South in order to put the years of deprivation behind it and to start a new chapter for the city.

Meanwhile the news comes as a shock to the people of Newcastle who had been awaiting the on-set of shock and awe. One man, on the streets of Byker this morning claimed that talks were a "canny" idea but admitted he didn't know of any WMD within the region.

Meanwhile, confusion surrounds the unatributeable comments that came from a source close to the Newcastle mayor. Speaking last night he commented: "I have been unaware of the existence of any WMDs in the region. Well, that is not entirely true. We do manufacture tanks and ships but those are ordered by the Ministry of Defence themselves. However, if admitting that we are guilty is what it takes to create prosperity in the region then I am fully behind the efforts.

The source also added that he was unaware of the whereabouts of either Cilla Black's jewelry or Shergar.

"I know every inch of the Civic Centre but I have yet to come across either of the items in question. However, we are quite willing to pay substantial damagers to the horse owners and to Cilla herself if this financial outlay is likely to be just a fraction of the new money coming into the region now that we are no longer deemed part of the Axis of Evil".

Meanwhile efforts remain on course to also bring Sunderland into line. In an attempt to build a friendship with Sunderland, RAF planes are already dropping propaganda, using easy-to-follow pictures rather than words and have accompanied each leaflet drop with a Burberry baseball cap and "scrunchies" for the ladies.


Love, light and peace,


I saw two shooting stars last night I wished on them but they were only satellites. It's wrong to wish on space hardware. I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care.