Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Just because you're better than me. Doesn't mean I'm lazy. Just because you're going forwards. Doesn't mean I'm going backwards.

Okay today has not been a good day.

It appears that the world has taken advantage of my post-Glastonbury fug to mess me up just as much as it can.

Cheers world.

When I returned and logged on there was a message from VSO. To cut a long story short, it appears that the good people of Hanoi, Vietnam are not at all enamored with my application. Nothing wrong with it, except they want a fundraiser and not a PR man.

It appears they already have a PR man.

Hanoi - fading fast.

Of course, I believe that the skills I have are suited to the post but they're not so sure. To prove myself they want me to write a small piece about what I think the job entails. All very well, but I only know what they have already provided, other than that I'd just be taking a stab and I would hate to think that what I produce could be used against me.

A chat with my VSO placement person only further served to unravel my world. She doesn't sound at all confident about Vietnam. South Africa is still on the table but far from definite and if I miss out on both then the next option could be Spring 2005. Or worse they may just decide they can't place me at all.

It was at this point that my world decided to freak me out by self combusting. No VSO could be the reality. And if no VSO then what? I'm confused, angry, and let down. How could VSO allow me to get into this without explaining that I could be left with nothing?

Worse still, with the positive noises about Vietnam, I've had to turn work away. That means that I now have no long term plan at all. Just how am I going to pay the bills?

I mentioned before the Glasto intermission about the Special Person I had met and the problems over how I reconcile this relationship with my departure. What I didn't mention is that I met her on VSO training and she will be gone in a few weeks.

Now I have the very real possibility of no Vietnam, no VSO and no Special Person and all in all, it's too horrendous to contemplate.

So I guess I have to have a plan B. As the fog clears it's slowly forming in my mind.

How does this sound?

* Firstly, I jump through whatever hoops are necessary to try and rescue the Vietnam post. It remains the dream. What's more my posting there won't be too far away from Special Person whose heading for the Gobi Desert in Mongolia.

* Secondly, South Africa isn't such a bad second option and if need be I'll take that.

* Thirdly, I have to sell my house. Long term business plans are in a state that I'll need the cash if nothing else and once the house is sold then at least I have the cash to live and keep my options open and....

* If VSO doesn't come through, and is showing no signs of coming through, by the autumn then I will go on my travels again. Maybe I'll visit Special Person, maybe I'll do 'Nam again. In the meantime VSO can have my email address and they can alert me if anything comes up.

Mongolia - destination of Special Person

Right now though, it does feel like my world is rapidly caving in. I want to simultaneously burst into tears, get drunk, play loud music and kick items of furniture around.

The inability to help people using what experience I have is pretty sobering too. It only serves to reflect my biggest fear that I do a worthless job. Why can't I save people's lives or build bridges or safeguard the eco system?

It's a long time since I felt this down about anything. I feel like VSO promises have meant me wasting a valuable year of my life. I'm tired of it all and I feel like such a fool for telling everyone about VSO and Vietnam and all the rest of it.

Sorry, just think of this as a misery intermission, the luckiest man in the world will be back with you after this short break.

Love, light and peace,


I saw two shooting stars last night I wished on them but they were only satellites. It's wrong to wish on space hardware. I wish, I wish, I wish you'd care.